so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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