why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
