Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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