my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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