Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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