Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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