I'm so fucking centered right now
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
