Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
