The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
