if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
