Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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