Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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