I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
