my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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