She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
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His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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