Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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