You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
