I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
