I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
