3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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