my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
