Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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