you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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