i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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