Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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