And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
