Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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