I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
