Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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