Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
