how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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