Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
