highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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