She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
