I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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