Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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