My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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