I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
