just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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