Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
