That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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