you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
