There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
