How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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