it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
