so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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