I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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