I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
