i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
my liver is dry heaving
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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