Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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