Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
