dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
