Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
