Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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