i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Randomize
