Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
