I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
