Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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