Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
