Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
